Category Archives: Photographs

Artist Statements, Cartoons, Current Journal, Intentional, Photographs

Two wheels, one dark lord (also: yardwork, pizza, and new Dead North)

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Wrecking the day in the best way possible. Finished inputting the details for all of the pieces in the gallery so far (and added a new one). Well, new to the site. A cartoon called “Dear Diary” from back in March. The link will bring up the piece in the gallery and you can scroll down for the statement. I think it’s appropriate for this week.

Otherwise, I cleaned up around here and got organized. Had done some maintenance stuff on the scooter the other day and I put the panels back on this morning – but not before repainting one of ’em. Nothing new really. Just re-colored it. Here’s version 3.0:
scooter

And, with that, I’m gonna go take advantage of my yardwork-in-exchange-for-pizza arrangement. Wanna know what I’ll be listening to as I do it?

“Teenagers,” the debut full-length from Dead North. If I’m not mistaken, this thing will be out on vinyl soon from John Wilkes Booth Records (and it might be a split release with Hip Kid Records too… I forget). Oh – and word on the street is that they recorded it with Bobby at Paper Tiger (and formerly of New Creases!) which would explain why it sounds so great. In any case, thanks to Jon Rob for the heads up!  If, like me, you didn’t realize that this thing was online already, check it out ’cause it’s really great.

Current Journal, Photographs, Post-Treatment

Website changes / first Jacksonville NA meeting

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Up and running for two weeks now and I changed the sitemap today. I think I’m going to really divide the writing and the the visual art a little bit more. I set up a gallery so that all of the drawings and paintings I’ve put up thus far can be seen on one page. From each image, you can click a link to go to the blog entry it was originally featured in, but from now on, I think I’m just going to add the images to the gallery and feature the statements there. And then I’ll use this (the frontpage) as more of a daily journal. So far as older writing like the (gasoline) story from yesterday’s update (“Funny”) or the rehab journals, I’m not sure yet. It’s early though and I’m still figuring this out so we’ll see.

I had a session with my counselor this morning, in which I decided to go to an NA meeting here in Jacksonville. I journaled about it afterward because it affected me more powerfully than NA or AA meetings usually do (in a good way). As the day went on though, I found myself feeling more and more depressed. Unreasonably depressed.

I feel really, terribly inadequate.

And since I don’t like feeling this way, I’ve got to do… something.

I don’t think I’m going to use Facebook anymore. I’ll let my website post updates for me when I post here, but I’m not going to post anything directly to my page. If you’re not a fan of these updates, tonight would be a good time to hide me from your newsfeed or remove me from your friends list.

Heather read my “life story” project last night. All 165 pages in one sitting. I was scared because it’s even more personal/confessional than anything I’ve written/posted here, but I think it was a good thing. She also told me last night though that – one thing that’s been different about me since I was away for a month to make that movie – I’m less positive. Less upbeat. And way harder on myself. I’m a lot more critical of everything I do, say, and feel. And she’s right. It wasn’t an easy month and a lot of things changed. Mostly though, my ideas about myself and who I am. I’m still sorting all of that out. Obviously, I slipped up (see: “Diazepam” from 8/1, for example) so I’ve “lost” my clean time, but that’s kind of a bullshit statement/sentiment anyway. My “clean date” was in August but I didn’t really get much better until December… but the time that I did have, spent doing the right things, doing well, doing good: I still have that. I didn’t “lose” it. And I’ve got a lot more of it coming up so long as I take care of myself and make healthy choices.

Tonight or tomorrow, I’m going to take steps to ready myself to approach some businesses in Jacksonville (later in the week) about the possibility of putting pieces on display, on consignment.

I’m also going to keep (as I have been) selling off the material things in my life that I don’t really need. I feel weighed down by so much of it. I want to get rid of enough that I can get rid of the furniture that’s been holding it all. Then again, this could be some type of substitution or projection. I don’t really know. Well, I know one thing: selling off a bunch of books and records isn’t going to make me happy. My issues are a little deeper than “clutter.”

I finished a piece today that I’m really excited to share, but it was made for someone else’s project and I don’t want to steal their thunder so I’ve got to sit on it for a little bit. It means a lot to me though and I’m really grateful that I had the opportunity to make it. More on that later, I guess.

I shipped the last of yesterday’s orders today. Some got little thank you notes with dumb little drawings on them. Nothing remarkable, but for some reason, I really like one of them, so I’ll just share that.

thankyounote

Current Journal, Expressive, Outpatient, Photographs

Insecure and Overwhelmed

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I’ve had (and still have) friends whose girlfriends are overweight. In years past, I remember meeting some of these girls and thinking things like, “Yeah, she seems nice enough, but I’m pretty sure [insert friend’s name here] can do better.”

It wasn’t until I started dating Heather that I ever had the thought, “Even if this girl were to gain weight, I’ll bet that I’d still be just as in love with her.” So it wasn’t until then that I actually had an understanding of how/why [whatever friend] was dating someone who didn’t have the “right” body type.

This morning, before she left for work, Heather was bumming out about her weight. Heather, however, is not overweight. She’s probably the most beautiful girl on the fucking planet. (Although – as I’ve just admitted – I may be somewhat biased when it comes to something like this). Still, I can relate. I feel for her.

It was January or February of 2012 and I was an inpatient at the Wellness Resource Center. Someone had accidentally smashed out the window next to my bed. Lying there, I thought about how anyone that were to walk past could see me. I remember contemplating going into the kitchen to get a knife. To slit my wrists or cut my throat or do whatever it might take to end my life. The reason: because I’d never be thin enough. I was thinking about killing myself because I was too fat.

At the time, (I’m pretty sure) I was about 150 pounds. Maybe 152 or 153. I don’t have a picture from that time, but to give you an idea of what we’re talking about, here’s a photo taken just now (at 147 pounds, which is close enough).

bddphoto

I’m way too familiar with the feeling of not liking myself – and when I add to that feelings of not even liking my body (my shell) – well, life starts to seem pretty unbearable. Everything starts to seem unbearable. And hopeless. And useless.

insecureandoverwhelmed
“Insecure and Overwhelmed.” March 26th, 2013. Acrylics, watercolor, marker, fabric dye, and knife. On a repurposed (framed) chalkboard. 16½x22”.

This painting was done one night when – though things were going well for me overall – I just couldn’t shake the negative thoughts in the moment. I didn’t really journal that night, but I did write one thing down. “I feel fat and I don’t wanna be me right now. No one will ever want to buy this.* My art is good for my mental and emotional health, but rarely anything that anyone would enjoy.” Which is to say that I let my discomfort about my body/size slime through to my feelings about my art and the new path I was trying to embark on. I was letting my body image issues infect and destroy everything. They’re that powerful.

I’m pretty great at spilling my guts and clearly I just fucking love to talk about myself… But the one thing that I don’t like to talk about is anything related to my body. You see: if I think I’m fat, but I acknowledge that I have body dysmorphic disorder (because mental health professionals have told me that I do), then that’s an acknowledgement that I’m not really fat. And then I’m a fat idiot in denial about how fat I am.

I’m doing much better with this stuff these days than I ever have in the past. And talking (or writing) about it as I am now, (I think) is an important part of that.

—–

  • * Footnote: Despite this piece having the words “no one will ever want to buy this” on it, it did – in fact – sell pretty quickly. Though 9×12″ prints are also available for purchase.
Artist Statements, Current Journal, Expressive, Photographs, Post-Treatment

Uncertainty

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image

That feeling when you get to the grocery store, unaware of anything that you’ve done wrong, yet the one person who’s supposed to love you, is very clearly feeling anything but love for you. So you withdraw and stop trying, only to have her take out the car keys and say she’d just rather go home. And since the idea of going back to your “home” with this person, who clearly has no degree of affection for you, sounds about as appealing/energizing as … its not an exciting prospect. So you walk back to the car with her, grab your bag, smoke a cigarette in the parking lot as she drives away, and then start wandering in the general direction that your *current* residence is. But you look down a side street and see the water. And it strikes you that maybe the best course of action is to just sit on the ledge with your feet resting on a rusted out sewer pipe just above the water’s surface.

This isn’t anything I’ve ever experienced, but it seems like something a lot of other people might be able to relate to.
[end sarcasm]
When I’m away, she’s terribly in love with me, can’t stand to be away from me, and can’t wait to see me. And once I’m back, she’s just frustrated with me almost all of the time. For no reason. Or at least not one that she’s willing to share with me or address in any way.
I meet with mental health professionals twice a week. I might not be the poster boy for wellness, but I think I’ve achieved some level of awareness and I think I do a pretty good job at expressing myself, my feelings, and my needs.
She, on the other hand, won’t talk to me about shit.
What am I doing here? Why are we a couple? Why are we living together?
Maybe it was naive to think that the first girl I got involved with at the end of my two years in and out of inpatient treatment would be the one for me.
Or maybe it can work.
I don’t know, but this is a bummer.
Did I mention that it’s raining?
uncertainty
“Uncertainty.” 7/29/31. Acrylics and Ink. 16×20″ stretched canvas.
Painted two days ago, at a time when I was feeling pretty disconnected. The only thing that I could recognize when I was painting it was the way i felt so in love with her every time I looked at her.