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Artist Statements, Cartoons, Current Journal, Post-Treatment

Fear is Killing Me (or Holding Me Back Anyway)

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"Fear is Killing Me (or Holding Me Back Anyway)." 8/15/13. Marker and pen. 8x8".
“Fear is Killing Me (or Holding Me Back Anyway).” 8/15/13. Marker and pen. 8×8″.

I’ve sold art to strangers before but only one person I don’t know has ever bought a “custom” cartoon. So here’s what stalled me in making this…
Thought #1: don’t think I know this person, but what if I actually do and just don’t remember? Then if I give an impersonal cartoon, I’ll feel like a jerk.
Thought #2: Maybe I should do some Facebook reconnaissance, see what I can find out about the person and see if that gives me any ideas.
Thought #3: That feels/seems weird.
Thought #4: Maybe I just make a cartoon about my anxiety regarding this?
Thought #5: That’s lame.
Thought #6: That’s honest. And I’m really grateful for the support, but I don’t need to put myself through this kind of anxiety over $25. Pretty sure that’s the last thing this person intended/wanted when they paid for this. And now that it’s past due, I’m just making it worse with every day that goes by. I’ll just make what I’m feeling and send a free print to make up for the delay.

So this was the last of my Kickstarter rewards that needed to be sent out. I finished it just now, but it was almost entirely done at last night’s show, after every thing was all set up, but before I started talking to people and watching bands. I feel a lot better now that it’s done. It’s been on my to do list, every day, since June. I wouldn’t have ordinarily colored it, so – doing that – I feel like that little bit extra also helps to compensate for the lack of personalized meaning (for the recipient) and the tardiness. I feel relieved.

And I’m excited for tonight.

Cartoons, Commissioned, Current Journal, Punk rock

Warrior Princess

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I just saw the shirts that I drew up for Lipstick Homicide and… I’m a little bummed out that they’re inverted and kind of want to know who’s responsible for fucking that one up. Those b/w-art-in-a-white-box designs that I do are about as easy to *not* fuck up as it gets.
And I know it doesn’t matter where along the line it got fucked up and that I shouldn’t care anyway, but… I don’t know. It’s a bummer when you spend some time on something, turn it in, and this happens.
Or maybe – if this is an issue to me – I should take that as an indication that my life must be pretty wonderfully worry-free lately if things like this so much as register a blip of concern.

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Also, how did the A in “POMONA” get lost?

Anyway, this is only partially mine. I mean, I drew it, but it’s one of the only things (or maybe the only thing) where I was told pretty much exactly what to draw.

Artist Statements, Cartoons, Current Journal, Punk rock

Bug Problem

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"Bug Problem." 8/11/13. Colored pencil and ink on newsprint paper. 3¼x9¾”.
“Bug Problem.” 8/11/13. Colored pencil and ink on newsprint paper. 3¼x9¾”.

There have been a bunch of big, mean-looking ants, trolling around my front porch like they own the place. And they’re biters. Yesterday, I sprayed some poison around. I went outside this morning: not a bug in sight! I don’t have to be hyper-vigilant when I got outside anymore; I can sit outside and relax.

I thought about how nice that is. And how simple. I’m all fucked up right now. I’m supposed to be celebrating one year clean this week and I’m not. Money makes no sense to me. The future scares the shit out of me sometimes. Life without heroin… it sometimes reminds me of why for so long I chose life with heroin. I needed a little victory today. A problem I could act on and resolve without years of uncertainty. Like I said: simple.

But then I started thinking about how the poison might effect the lizards that hang out on my porch. Are they gonna be poisoned by it too? Am I destroying their food supply? What other environmental consequences does this spray have? Is this really all that simple?

But ultimately, I’ve got too many real problems to let myself get caught up in shit like that. Sure, it’d be nice if I could save all the trees and the lizards and we could all live happily ever after, but – first – I think I’ll just work on saving myself. Not from bugs. That’s not what I mean. From the stress and anxiety that comes with taking on problems that I don’t need to. (“Precious on the Edge” by Drunken Boat is one of my favorite songs: He knows he’s gotta save the world somehow, but first he’s gotta save himself and that’s the hardest trick of all).

I’m also reminded of a Riverboat Gamblers lyric: It seems we’ve been conditioned to think it’s unreasonable not to be miserable. That was definitely one of my core beliefs for a long time and something I had to work on a lot in treatment. If I felt good, I felt like an idiot. Like, “Hey, dumbass! Look around you! What the fuck is there to be happy about??” I try not to think that way anymore. It hasn’t been easy to shed a lot of those old ideas. I held on to them for at least two decades.

I’m glad that I have the capacity to be thoughtful—reflective. But sometimes I need to tell my inner-critic to just shut the fuck up already.

Here are both songs (and the full lyrics to “Precious on the Edge”).

Precious on the Edge lyrics

 

This cartoon is available as an 8×10″ print.