Everything Works Out Exactly as It Should (is Something I’ve Been Trying to Get Myself to Believe Again)

March 26, 2025

I’ve been seriously killing it this month and I’m super excited. I finished My “Everything 2.0” painting, got it photographed, sold, made prints (including a huge 3×3′ giclée on canvas), sold a bunch, and am really excited about the new painting I started on Saturday. I have lots of events coming up that I’m looking forward to and this last month’s events have all gone really well. (Not to be CRASS but – if I did as well every month as I’ve done in March, I’d be SET).

Anyway, the statement for this painting is literally just a transcript of the text that’s scattered across the canvas. I’m a little embarrassed to post it because the person that I wrote about may very well read it but hopefully she’ll not be too weirded out and know that it’s not a big deal.

More importantly, there’s something that I allude to several times and dance around before finally just OUTRIGHT saying what it is. It’s the thing that’s had the biggest impact on my adult life and the thing that I’m most scared to ever acknowledge. But it influences just about EVERY THING THAT I DO and – for that reason – I’m proud of myself for making art that does explicitly acknowledge it. In a sense, any time I make something that doesn’t reference that event, it’s a little bit dishonest. Because it’s always on my mind. It seeps into everything. So while it’s totally possible that someone reading this will be learning about it for the first time and will consequently make negative judgments about me, I feel like I’m doing the right thing by talking about it. My art’s always been all about honesty and vulnerability. If I want to stay true to that, I can’t be constantly leaving out of my work this thing that has so much power over me. I need to be transparent and just hope that I’ve shown the world enough of my heart for people to know that I am not someone who hurts people. I’m a sensitive little diaper baby who worries about even annoying other people. (In that spirit, let me also throw out a TRIGGER WARNING right up front). But the last thing I would ever do is anything to intentionally and seriously harm another human being.

With that said, here’s my newest painting and the text written into it…

“Everything Works Out Exactly as It Should (is Something I’ve Been Trying to Get Myself to Believe Again)” 3/16/25. Acrylic paint and pigment ink. 40×40″.

This is the longest I’ve ever gone without falling in love. I think it’s probably because I’m old and NOT CUTE ANYMORE (so there are fewer girls interested-in-me for me to fall in love with). I’m also definitely not as BOLD as I once was though. A big part of that is the TRAUMA of what happened in summer 2015. But I DIGRESS… 

It could also be that – I’ve convinced myself my next girlfriend needs to be someone who does things (like me). Someone actively creative and inspiring, with things in her life that she’s passionate about. And then of course – because I’m broken – she also has to look a certain way. Because I need people to see me as someone who gets the girl everyone else wants. That NARROWS THE POOL.

But last month, I met such a girl. I was impressed, (I think) genuinely interested, and it seemed like maybe she might kinda like me too. (She gave me her phone number (unprompted) when she had no reason to give me her phone number). For a minute, it seemed like it might-maybe, could-potentially be a thing, but I never tested it. I never said anything direct or even flirty enough to get a response that I could gauge. And then I stopped interacting ‘cause my feelings were hurt by something that probably shouldn’t have hurt my feelings in the first place. But I figured if there were anything there, she’d find a way to let me know. But she didn’t.

The prints I sell of my drawing “Everything Works Out Exactly as It Should” are – I don’t want to sell them anymore. The photograph from which they’re made is no good because I took it before I knew what I was doing. But that print sells a lot so I wanted a replacement.

I started a new drawing based on the original but wasn’t happy. I changed the caption to “Everything Works Out Exactly as It Should – EXCEPT FOR THIS.” That didn’t make it feel any better.

The night I met the girl, I’d just finished the RV and was really proud of it. I had the notion in my head that I wanted to show it to her, but it’d have been weird to ask this girl I’d just met to (1) leave an event, (2) walk down the dark street, and (3) follow me into my vehicle/home. But then, at the end of the night, just as I finished packing up and was prepared to drive off, there she was on the sidewalk, gesturing at me like, “hey – what’s this?”  I asked her if she wanted to come in and see, she did, and she wound up hanging out/talking for at least 30 minutes (even though it was 1am and we both needed to get going).

She told me she believes everything works out exactly as it should, even when she can’t see how. When she can’t see “the full picture” yet, she said that’s okay because she will eventually – so she just has faith in the meantime.

I’ve been reminding myself of that lately but it’s a challenge. When I first got out of rehab, started as an artist, and drew the original “EWOEaIS,” I was in a wild place spiritually. I’d finally let go of my DOGMATIC NIHILISM and “nothing fucking matters” attitude and was in the unfamiliar territory of gratitude and faith – not [faith] in anything specific but just generally. My hostility toward religion was even gone and I had this kinda hippy-dippy, go-with-the-flow, everything-is-cool-for-everyone sorta mentality.

That faded over time (especially after summer 2015) and my old “nothing matters”/“I don’t believe in anything” mindset returned to fill the gap.

As that girl and I texted over the next week or so, I had a thought: “Fuck that drawing; I should make my big work-in-progress painting into my new ‘Everything Works Out’ [and incorporate the conversation we’d had].” That was a game changer. The painting needed direction, this felt like the right one, and I figured Rick (to whom it was pre-sold) would like it. But it needed an update to be real and honest because I no longer believe everything works out exactly as it should.

“Everything Works Out Exactly as It Should (is Something I’ve Been Trying to Get Myself to Believe Again).” 

Which is absolutely, painfully true.

It’s really, really hard for me to imagine what good could ever come from that incident in summer 2015. (And let’s just say it: I was accused of a rape that I didn’t do).

Nothing’s been the same since. It’s been much worse. It took 9 years for me to work up the courage to even try to have a life again. In those years, I thoroughly believed I’d never again be as happy or successful as I had been before the accusation. And I’m still not sure that’s wrong. But I’m trying very hard to believe (and prove) otherwise. I’m working to rebuild my art career and livelihood and – ever since my last relationship fell apart and I got clean – I’m trying to find love again.

So far, the first part’s going better than the second. Not well enough that I’m satisfied but well enough that I probably should be. (At least considering how little time I’ve been back at it). With regard to both though, I’m hopeful. I don’t believe they’ll work out, but I’m pretty sure they won’t if I’m not giving it my all. So that’s what I’ve been doing.

Maybe that’s why I met that girl: just to hear her tell me that just because I can’t SEE how everything will work out – that doesn’t mean that it won’t.

Maybe the partnership and career I’ll have someday will only be possible because of what I went through ten years ago. It’s tough to envision, but I’d like to believe it.

That’s where the painting’s text ends. For anyone that’s just now learning about what I went through ten years ago, I hope you don’t now think I’m A VIOLENT SCUMBAG and do, in fact, believe me when I say that (as rare as they may be) false accusations do happen. I obviously wasn’t convicted of anything but it was still enough to shatter me. Maybe that’s because I’m so sensitive and maybe I let it effect me more than I should have, but… it really has taken all the strength I can muster to even be writing something like this right now. To even be going out in public like I have been. I’m pretty terrified to even be typing these words right now. It’s not something I want to publicize because I still worry that there are people out there who know nothing about what really happened but will still try to use it to hurt me.

I could probably ramble on about this forever, so I’m gonna cut myself off here. On a more positive note, I’ve got a handful of events scheduled in the Sarasota and Tampa areas (and one in Lakeland this weekend) and I’ll be regularly adding more, so be sure to keep an eye on the Events page.

And (of course) if you’d like to buy a print of this painting, you can find it in my webstore. The original painting is already sold but (like I said) I do have a 3×3′ giclée on canvas for sale, so reach out if you’re interested in that. It’s NINE TIMES BIGGER than the 12×12″ prints and looks AWESOME.

Thank you for your time, attention, and consideration. I know what it’s like to have lost everything, I’m so grateful for what I’ve been able to get back so far, and I know that none it would be possible without your support. It really does mean the world to me.

If you’re not already, follow me on TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook for more regular updates! And if you missed it, check out the entry I just posted YESTERDAY for my other new painting: “Motivation (Will Work for Food (maybe) / Will Beat Off on Live Webfeed For Perfect Love and Acceptance).”

Motivation (Will Work for Food (maybe) / Will Beat Off on Live Webfeed for Perfect Love and Acceptance)

March 25, 2025

Woo! This painting’s been done for three months now so apologies for the delay in getting it online. Let’s jump right into the statement for the piece though and then I’ll tell you a little more about everything that’s been happening lately. Cool? COOL.

“Motivation (Will Work for Food (maybe) / Will Beat Off on Live Webfeed for Perfect Love and Acceptance)” 12/26/24. Acrylic paint and pigment ink. 48×30″.

Allow me to SET THE SCENE for you: it’s 2013, I’ve been institutionalized for two years, but I’m finally gearing up to re-enter the real world. Part of that process is figuring out what my life’s gonna look like in the outside world. Where am I gonna live, what am I gonna DO FOR MONEY, etc, etc.

Strung out on heroin, I’d graduated by the skin of my teeth from Georgetown Law in 2011. But I discovered art in treatment and that’s pretty much all I wanna do now. I don’t know if it’s possible to make money from art, but I don’t really care. What do I need money for? I start researching communes where I could live for free and get fed in exchange for pitching in. But there’s a hitch in this plan. I NEED A GIRLFRIEND. I need GIRLS TO LIKE ME. And – at the time – my logic is such that I decide that this would at the very least, probably require a home with air conditioning, so that I’m not perpetually sweaty and smelly. And it turns out that a lot of these communes or “intentional communities” (as I learn they’re often called) do not have air conditioning. So that’s out. I’m gonna need money for the most basic of amenities afterall. WHAT TO DO…

(Before I tell you this next part, remember that OnlyFans didn’t exist in 2013 and similar sites were totally outside of mainstream consciousness; most people had never even heard of such a thing).

Two of my fellow inpatients approach me one day. “Hey, Sam – we just found out you can get paid just to masturbate on camera! There’s this site you can sign up for and they’ll pay you to beat off and record it!”

I laughed. “Uh… okay. So… what are you telling me? That you guys are gonna try it?”

“Fuck no! We’d never do something like that. But we figured you probably would!”

I laughed again. THEY WEREN’T WRONG. I despised the idea of getting pretty much any kind of a job. It felt like prostitution to sell my time, doing something I didn’t enjoy, just for a paycheck. But masturbating for a paycheck… while, arguably, a little closer to literal prostitution, it didn’t feel that way to me. Doing something on camera that I’d be doing sometimes anyway – if I could get paid for that, that seemed like a pretty good deal.

So that’s the background of this joke. “Will work for food (maybe)” = I’m not willing to get a job just to survive. (The “maybe” in that statement – it’s a lie; I will not work for food). “Will beat off on live webfeed for perfect love and acceptance” = But I will masturbate on camera if that pays enough money to facilitate the circumstances that would need to exist in order for me to find a loving partner.

I chose the phrase “perfect love and acceptance” because that’s what I was really after. I’m a broken fucking child. I just want someone to tell me I’m good. To love me as I am.

By the time the painting was almost finished, I was still in treatment but had already found a girlfriend. I was still living at the facility but – at this stage – was allowed to have a phone. I met a girl on Facebook that would visit me on weekends. I was even able to file requests that would allow me to leave the property with her for up to two hours at a time. Normally, this sort of thing would never be allowed. Patients weren’t supposed to date for at least a year after getting out of treatment (let alone while they were still living there). In my case however, the treatment team had decided that I was so ROMANTICALLY INCORRIGIBLE that there was no way I wasn’t gonna get into a relationship once I was back in the outside world and – the way they saw it – better to let it start before I left so that they could keep an eye on it and help guide me through any issues that might arise.

Quick aside: that was probably the best thing about Tranquil Shores and why it was the first program that worked for me. Not because they let me do whatever I wanted (they definitely didn’t; they even KICKED ME OUT at one point but – when I learned my lesson, they let me back in). What made Tranquil Shores so great… – every treatment center promises “individualized care,” but Tranquil Shores was the first facility that actually seemed to understand what that meant and deliver on it. It was not a “one size fits all” approach to recovery. They recognized the nuances of each patient and tailored their treatment plans accordingly. Another facility would have prohibited me from dating – knowing full well it would happen anyway – and then it wouldn’t start until I was out on my own without the support system of a full treatment team. Tranquil Shores worked with reality, not some idealized vision of what they wished reality to be.

[EDITORIAL INTERRUPTION: These last two paragraphs were all leading to the revelation of a particular detail that I’ve decided I’m not going to include after all. BUT I’M STILL GOING TO LEAVE THOSE TWO PARAGRAPHS IN THE STATEMENT ANYWAY. I do what I want. (If you wanna know THE SECRET I WAS GONNA TELL though, just ask me and I’ll tell you)].

Flash forward to the future/present day. After all, everything I’ve just told you only takes us up to early 2013 and yet this painting is from 2024…? That’s ‘cause it’s version TWO POINT OH. When I painted the self-portrait holding the two signs, I’d just discovered my passion for art but WASN’T GOOD AT IT YET. Not visually. The version of this from 2013 looks terrible. BUT I STILL LOVE THE CONCEPT and I wanted to have prints of it in my inventory. That meant I had to recreate it. Or – more accurately – make a new painting that just featured that main component (the kid holding the two signs).

And – more importantly – these days, I’m in a very similar place to where I was when I got out of Tranquil Shores. When I came up with this concept, I was maybe 7 months clean for the first time since I’d become addicted to heroin. And when I started this new painting, I was six months clean after coming out of a nine-year relapse. In both instances, I was single for the first time in YEARS and very much in the process of rebuilding my life, essentially from scratch. The feelings that swirl around those two cardboard signs (“will work for…” / “will beat off on…”) are VERY MUCH RELEVANT AGAIN. The idea of using this concept to make a painting I could be proud of was exciting to me. So that’s what I did.

There’s a little journal scribbled on the canvas, about how much had changed in the two months since I’d started the painting. I’d bought an RV, was preparing to move out of the apartment I’d gotten with my friends (after getting clean in April); (for the first time in 9 years) I’d started actually going out in public to sell my art (I’d only been selling online since April). I write that I feel good about the money I’m now making but also my anxiety about whether it’ll continue and some other (logistical) things that were stressing me out.

Elsewhere, I wrote: “Anything I have is just something I can lose.” There’s a comfort in having nothing. But once you start to get things back… you’re at risk of losing them – and that can be painful.

On a seemingly (but not at all) related note, I also wrote the word “possession” even though I was thinking about “cupidity.” “Cupidity” is greed for wealth, material goods, and/or power but – in my mind – I’ve REDEFINED it to be more like greed for a PERSON. (I mean, come on: most of the word is CUPID; it should mean something related to ROMANCE). So I think of it as that feeling when you like (or love) someone and want them to be your partner – for good, nice reasons: sure – but also because you DON’T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO HAVE THEM. I think of it as a jealous, controlling kinda thing. It was on my mind in relation to everything I wrote about in my previous painting, “She’s Cut With Xylazine.”

On the sides of the canvas I wrote a couple other things that I didn’t necessarily want to be visible to anyone but the painting’s eventual owner – or anyone who sees it in person that cares enough to really look closely from all angles. 

I also wrote: “I just wanna fall in love again. I want it so badly.”

And I wrote the words girls, love, and sex over and over again in a loop (“GIRLS LOVE SEX GIRLS LOVE SEX GIRLS LOVE SEX…”) because of (and IN THAT ORDER for) OBVIOUS REASONS. (Because those things occupy a lot of real estate in my mind; in that order because I THINK I’M FUNNY).

The moment I finished this painting, I started work on “Peeing in the Pool (of Tears (You’re Drowning In)),” which goes in another direction. But the story of my recovery (and my life right now) very much continues in the painting that I’d make next. The primary text on it says: “Everything Works Out Exactly as It Should (is Something I’ve Been Trying to Get Myself to Believe Again).” I’m planning to add it to the site tomorrow so check back soon.

I know I started this entry with the promise of more details on what I’ve been up to lately, but let’s actually put those off until tomorrow’s entry.

Prints of “Motivation” are now on sale in the webstore. Send a message to find out if the original painting is still available for purchase or to order a larger, custom giclée.

Peeing in the Pool (of Tears (You’re Drowning In))

January 21, 2025

“Peeing in the Pool (of Tears (You’re Drowning In))” 1/4/25. Acrylic paint. 18×24″.

Trans women are women. Trans women aren’t women. It shouldn’t take longer than 30 minutes for a restaurant to serve a customer after their order’s been placed. JESUS CHRIST DIED FOR OUR SINS.

People have all kinds of beliefs. But at the end of the day, they don’t fucking matter. They are of absolutely zero consequence. I see people twisting themselves into knots, making themselves sick to their stomachs over their beliefs, just about every day. It’s fucking stupid. It accomplishes nothing. Sure – some beliefs are a little more valid than others (AT LEAST ACCORDING TO ME) but they’re rarely – if ever – anything to lose sleep over.

I’m pretty self-absorbed. So when I see someone flipping the fuck out because reality isn’t honoring some belief of theirs, I can’t help but think, “Don’t you have any real problems to be upset about?” It’s like that expression: “rich kids care about politics.” In order to be heavily invested in shit that doesn’t directly effect you, you’ve either got to have a pretty problem-free life or else put your own problems to the side.

I’ve written before about a time in my life when I would keep up with world events and get pretty emotionally invested in issues like war, or access to clean drinking water, or – whatever. (And – DON’T TELL ANYONE but – if I stumble onto something like those recent Gaza videos (children getting killed in war zones, or other shit like that) I’m probably still gonna cry). But I recognized a long time ago that that’s not doing me (or anyone else) any good. So I try not to focus on that sort of thing anymore.

If someone has the ability and will to dedicate themself to solving some problem for the sake of other people’s safety or health, that’s great. Anyone that’s actually doing good in the world, I commend and thank you. But for everyone else, it’s just not worth the emotional energy to stress over things you can’t control. And when people are losing their shit over things that TRULY don’t matter (or in many cases aren’t even fucking REAL (like last year’s “Haitians are eating cats and dogs”)) that’s when I start having thoughts like, “I want everyone who believes in anything to drown in a pool of their own tears that I can swim (AND PEE) in.”

So does that mean that I don’t believe in anything? Of course not. I believe that people should treat each other with respect. I believe that everyone (regardless of what country they’re born in) should be equal under the law. But I’m a fucking basket case. It’s a full-time job just to keep me from killing myself with drugs or otherwise hurting myself. I’m thoroughly preoccupied with Sam. So – for the most part – anything beyond my control is none of my fucking business or concern. I try to take care of my own shit, I try to be a good person, and I don’t fucking stress about it when other people don’t do those things. When I’m doing well and I’ve got money, will I maybe make a donation here or there? Sure. Even when I don’t have money, will I maybe give away what-I-do-have to some random person who’s even worse off than me? ON OCCASION. But it’s not doing anyone any good for me to be arguing on the internet, screaming at a town hall, or losing my mind because something didn’t go my way – so I don’t. (And if you do, I’m going to laugh at you).

And make a snarky painting about it. ‘Cause it’s important to have fun. I REALLY BELIEVE THAT.

(Just kidding).

Because I’m TERRIFIED TO SAY ANYTHING CONTROVERSIAL ON THE INTERNET, let me just really clarify my intent here: This painting is not truly making fun of people who have beliefs – only those who get OVERLY EMOTIONAL about their beliefs. The painting’s caption (“I want anyone who believes in anything to drown in a pool of their own tears – that I can swim (and pee) in“) is only phrased as it is because it’s more fun that way. Being a nihilistic little shit WHO DOESN’T CARE ABOUT NOTHIN’ is fun.

I finished another painting between this and “She’s Cut With Xylazine” that I haven’t yet shared because it’s much larger and, consequently, more difficult to photograph properly. But that is COMING SOON. I also know that I failed to keep my promise to write the statement for “Things You Can’t Come Back From” by the end of 2024. But I have a TO-DO LIST APP on my phone now and that’s right at the top of it so… maybe I’ll get to it by the end of 2025. (I kid, but that one is really tough to write about; I’ve gotta be in a really good frame of mind to tackle something like that). In any case, prints of “Peeing in the Pool” are now up in the webstore. I had an event cancelled on Sunday so could USE THE INCOME if you’d like to pick one up.

Oh! Hey! Speaking of events, I have my first (well, first since I started back up anyway) gallery show booked! It’ll open on February 8th at the Love+Art+Repeat Gallery on Central Avenue in downtown Sarasota. More details on that coming soon!

And here are all the events I have scheduled at the moment…

  • February 8: Sammy thrashLife solo exhibition, opening night (Sarasota)
  • February 9: Love Yourself wellness market (Sarasota)
  • February 16: St. Pete Sunday Market (St Petersburg)
  • March 7+8: Village of the Arts artwalk (Bradenton)
  • March 9: Tropical Soirée artwalk (Sarasota)
  • March 15+16: Punk Rock Flea Market (Sarasota)
  • April 13: Spring Market & Artwalk (Sarasota)

I’ll put up a calendar soon with more details (and even more events) but, in the meantime, I’m sure you can find details on THE GOOGLE or you can always contact me with any questions.

It also occurs to me that it’s been a minute since I really shared much about what’s going on in my everyday life (and there’s been a LOT) so let me catch you up…

I did my first public event (in more than 9 years) in the last week of November. Since then, I’ve been getting out pretty regularly. Aside from one underwhelming night and one underwhelming event, it’s gone really well so far. I was so scared to get clean and try to rebuild this Sammy thrashLife thing that essentially is my life, but – at least so far – I’ve been very pleasantly surprised. Not only have I been making enough money to support myself, I’ve been meeting lots of people and finding lots of opportunities to do more and more out in the world. (The aforementioned gallery show, so far, being the most exciting of them).

I also bought an RV! Remember years ago when I was doing this art thing all across the country? Well this vehicle will set me up to do that again. Because of my commitment to my grandparents (who moved to Sarasota to be closer to my dad, only for him to suddenly die shortly thereafter – leaving me as their only family in the area), I likely won’t be making any trips that are too long or too far for now, but I’m still excited to get out and do as much as I can.

When I bought the RV, it was barely running and not in great shape but I’ve been working really hard on it (and paying people to do the jobs that I can’t handle myself) and it’s really coming together. It was initially a shuttle bus that someone else had mostly converted to an RV but then given up on before finishing. It has a bathroom (with shower, toilet, and sink), a tankless water heater, and a kitchen (with a sink and a propane stove) – NONE of those were working when I got it; now they all are. I also got an electrical system installed with a small battery and electrical outlets so I can plug in and charge my computer, phone, etc even without the engine running. I put a new mattress in. I built a custom rack to store my paintings. I sealed up some leaks and cracks in the roof/exterior. I’m almost finished with the walls of the bathroom (some of which were incomplete) and sealing the shower so that water doesn’t get out and damage the walls or floors. It’s been (and continues to be) a huge undertaking but when it’s all finished, I think I’m going to have something really cool that I’ll be able to be kinda proud of. It’s still not got air conditioning or heat at the moment and I also need to get and install a ladder on the outside, a rack for my easel, and a platform for the generator (that I’ll also need to buy so that I can recharge my electrical system/battery, and power the A/C once I get that installed) but – seeing as it could only drive 15mph when I got it and had NOTHING working inside, I’m really happy with the progress so far.

I suppose that’s all for now. I’ll share pictures and/or videos of the thrashBus once it’s all done. (HAVE I MENTIONED THOUGH THAT YOU SHOULD FOLLOW ME ON TIKTOK? And check out the short video I posted there about this painting’s secret).

As always, thank you for taking the time to read this – and thank you to everyone I’ve met recently that’s offered me an opportunity, hosted me at an event, or bought my artwork. I really can’t express how much all of it means to me. I don’t even wanna imagine what my life would be like without all of you.

And – as much as I hate to cheapen that sentiment by following it with a commercial plug, I did wanna end this post with a special offer exclusive to the people who actually read the blog. (I won’t be advertising this anywhere else). Use the promo code W!NT3R for 25% off any/everything in my webstore.

That’s everything. TALK SOON 😜

Free from Expectations, Shoes, and Toothpaste

December 12, 2024

I don’t like to paint stuff that’s not a canvas but I’l do it if you pay me enough money. For this bowl, I revisited the concept from my original painting, “Free From Shoes, Expectations, and Toothpaste.”

In my first run as an artist –  before everything fell apart and I took a 9-year hiatus from painting (and life) – I had a relatively easy time going from zero to sixty and making a living off my funny faces and scribbles.

But whether it’s ‘cause of the borderline personality disorder (or whatever else), even minor road bumps can leave me totally dejected.

It was April 2013 and I’d sold art at three events: the first successful; the next two not. It was the morning of my fourth and I was feeling very discouraged and like I shouldn’t even bother. I didn’t wanna get dressed, brush my teeth, and drive up to this thing only to feel totally rejected. 

It was then that I had an epiphany. I don’t have to get dressed or make myself presentable. Wearing the shorts I slept in, I could just hop in the car and – yes – set my shit up at the market, but just spend the day painting. Who cares if I look like a grimy little shit and no one buys anything? I’ll still be spending the day doing something I love. 

I decided to expect nothing – no sales, no positive attention – just nothing from anyone but myself. And I wouldn’t care how I looked or what people thought of me. I didn’t have to hide the parts of my body I was more self-conscious of by putting on a shirt or shoes. And I didn’t need to brush my teeth before I left. (I could just do that when I got home later). Not giving a shit about how I looked or whether or not I was gonna make any money felt awesome. It’s not an exaggeration to say that I felt FREE. Like this huge weight had been lifted from me.

When I ultimately did sell a ton of art that day, it was like a confirmation from the universe that I’d made the right choice – that this was the approach to take.

I’ve been going through my print inventory and pulling the stuff that doesn’t represent me as I’d like to be represented. A lot of those pieces still resonate with me; they just don’t look good. So I’m taking old concepts and putting them into new paintings and drawings.

That’s something I wouldn’t have done in the past. I thought that every piece of art was sort of a sacred artifact that should exist exactly as it did when I first made it. But reusing a concept doesn’t erase the old artwork. It just means it’s also a part of something new. I’ve always thought it was sort of hacky when artists reused concepts repeatedly but this isn’t that. It’s not that black and white. I can recycle an idea into something better and it doesn’t mean I’m some one-hit-wonder just playing the same song again and again. Upcycling a few old things that I love isn’t the same as churning out a thousand variations of my one “hit” piece.

Although – even if I was doing that: who gives a shit? As long as I’m doing what I wanna do – fuck everything else.

I’m glad I chose to upcycle the concept from “Free/Toothpaste” for this bowl I was commissioned to paint because it’s been a great reminder that I need to GET FREE. I need to not worry so much about all this shit and just make art. Whatever art I want. And it doesn’t matter if I reuse an old concept or it’s not THE GREATEST THING I’VE EVER MADE. So long as it looks cool, is real, and meaningful, that’s enough. (Especially for a small, commissioned, piece of art).

Following what happened to me in 2015, I’m having trouble fully subscribing to my (once) guiding principle – that “everything works out exactly as it should.” But I think everything works out – at least a lot better – when I do. When I just have faith that things will work out, so long as I’m doing my best.

Although that probably still includes brushing my teeth periodically.

I’m calling this piece: “Free from Expectations, Shoes, and Toothpaste” and adding it to my inventory as a 4×6-inch print, as a replacement for “Free (From Shoes, Expectations, and Toothpaste),” which will no longer be available for purchase. I mean, if you really fucking love the old one for some reason, I still have a few prints, so hit me up and I’ll sell you one, but the new one is much cooler and easily available in the webstore.

And seeing as it’s December 12th, let’s go ahead and throw out a promo code for Christmas and Hanukkah. Use the promo code CH1320 to get 20% off any order, now through the end of Hanukkah (the last day of which is January 2nd). Cool? Coooooool.

As always, thanks for reading.

Sammy thrashLife Goes to Springfield

November 19, 2024

“Sammy thrashLife Goes to Springfield.” 1/15/15. Acrylic and spray paints. 12×12″.

You’ve likely seen this before. I even made a video about it last month. But I’d never written out a statement to go along with the prints I sell so… HERE YOU GO:

I started dating Heather as I was preparing to “graduate” from Tranquil Shores, re-enter the world, and take a stab at making a living as an artist. Before she’d met me, she’d already made plans to move to Jacksonville. So that’s what I did. And that’s why Jacksonville was the first city I tried to market myself in.

I had no idea where to even start but “traditional advertising” was never gonna be part of my playbook. The first thing I did was to make stickers out of the drawing that I’d eventually use as my sorta default insignia. Apart from that, they said something about BPD, not being on heroin, and making art. I put them on payphones (because those were still a thing that just barely existed then), telephone poles, and anyplace else I figured they’d get noticed.

One of the first people to contact me after seeing one of those stickers was a local artist named Mike Kelly (later “Mikey twoHands”). I don’t think he was really trying to be a professional artist but he really loved making art and he’d occasionally try to sell stuff locally at DIY art fairs and swaps. He reached out to tell me he liked the sticker and – as we got to know each other – it turned out that he really loved my dedication to making art around the clock and spending any other time trying to market or sell it. We became really close and started hanging out all the time. And through him, I met a lot of other locals in the arts community.

For a regular job, he ran sound at a bar/small venue called Rain Dogs. So even when he had to go into work, I’d go with him and set up a display to sell my prints to whoever turned out to see whichever bands were playing that night.

Some of my best memories are of running around Jacksonville with Mike, making and selling art. It was the time period in which I really figured out how to successfully market myself as an artist on a daily basis and make a living. He was so inspired by my drive and I was in turn inspired by his excitement.

After a while, I became too ambitious for Jacksonville alone and decided to try to conquer as many cities as I could. I got myself a van and TOOK MY SHOW ON THE ROAD. But I’d still come back to Jacksonville every so often, whenever there’d be a big event at which I knew I could make money. The city’s (now defunct) One Spark festival still holds the record as my most profitable event ever for selling prints.

On one of those return trips to Jacksonville, Mike got the idea of wanting to make a painting in my style and pitched me on making one in his. I knew it wouldn’t fit in with my other work and wouldn’t really be something I could sell in a gallery, kinda wanted to only focus on art like that, but agreed ‘cause of FRIENDSHIP.

Mike’s art back then, like mine, pretty much followed a formula. He’d use spraypaint to make a backdrop, each piece would feature a cartoon character (sometimes one of his own creation but usually something taken from pop culture), and then there’d be a quote from the character or some other funny caption he came up with.

If I was gonna pull from pop culture, the only show that’d ever even occur to me is The Simpsons. I didn’t like the idea of directly copying someone else’s art though, so I decided to just paint myself in the style of The Simpsons’ animators. And then I’d need a quote to go with it.

As deeply as I’ve always related to Bart Simpson, the first quote that came to mind was from Moe the Bartender: “I’ve done stuff I ain’t proud of – and the stuff I am proud of is disgusting.” Not the most sincere or profound words to ever be found in my art, but funny. And this project was just for fun anyway. It made me smile, it make Mike happy – that’s good enough for me!

Admittedly, at the time, the quote was intended to be a reference to the outrageous sex stuff I’d often written about in my blog but a later event makes that topic less fun to get into these days. I hope, one day, I’ll be able to be my full authentic self again and not feel like I can’t write about everything in my life with honesty and humor. CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR ME.

“…Springfield” is now available in the webstore. And if you’re reading this before November 30th, you can use the promo code LIVE to get 20% off your entire order.

So I Just Put This in My Head and the Blood Will Come Out?

November 15, 2024

“MFC 2.0″ 11/8/24. Pigment ink. 8×6”.

I have a lot of artwork from ten plus years ago (when I first started making art) that I still love conceptually but just looks terrible. I never liked the idea of recycling ideas but so much of that early stuff is still so exciting and meaningful to me and I hate the idea of just letting it disappear. At the same time, I certainly don’t wanna promote or advertise anything that looks bad or doesn’t represent me well. That line of thinking’s led me to reconsider my previous stance and become okay – even passionate – about the idea of taking some of my old concepts and making new artwork with them. One of those is already in the works as a major painting (and you can get a look at that process over on my TikTok) while others will be coming soon.

Speaking of TikTok, if you’re not already following me on there, I’ve been making four to seven videos for it every week – and have even started livestreaming on occasion. I know a lot of people have issues with TikTok (I certainly did/do) but if you wanna keep up with my process, I think it’s worth checking out.

Anyway, the drawing in today’s blog isn’t really a recycled idea because it’s more of an exact duplicate. There’s nothing wrong with the original “My Favorite Cartoon” but I want to make prints of it and don’t have a good photo or scan of the original from which to make them. All I’ve got is badly filtered, altered versions from Photoshop. Since I don’t wanna make prints from those, I simply redrew it.

For a more meaningful story, you can read the story behind the original drawing in my blog entry from August 22nd, 2013.

And if you want one of these prints, they’re now up for sale in my webstore. Or you can buy this “original” MFC 2.0 drawing by contacting me. (It’s since been sold).

Thanks as always for your time and attention. Your support means everything to me.

contact issues (last week or so)

November 5, 2024

Just a quick heads up: I discovered an issue with the contact page. If you’ve tried to contact me recently, I’m guessing it didn’t work. Anyway, it’s resolved now so – if you still need to reach me – NOW YOU CAN.

And SO LONG AS I’M POSTING AN UPDATE, I’ll mention that I now hate all social media EXCEPT FOR TIKTOK. I’ve been making a new video for it almost every single day for the last month, so if you wanna keep up with me, that’s now the best place to do so. Instagram and especially Facebook can fuck off forever. (DON’T GET ME STARTED).

I’ve been hard at work on a BRAND NEW PAINTING so I’ll update the blog when that’s finished or when I next write up a statement for one of the pieces that’s still missing one. In the meantime, like I said, FOLLOW ME ON TIKTOK. TIKTOK IS THE FUTURE. TIKTOK IS LIFE. ALL HAIL TIKTOK.

Oh – and today was my birthday. So go buy me/you a present in the print shop!

Love you all. TALK SOON.

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