Whether we’re talking VD, getting slashed to pieces by a hockey-masked killer, or EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT, it’s clear that bad things happen to kids that fuck.
I’m pretty pleased with how clever that title and I are but this piece is kind of shitty. Like the others in this series, it’s pretty angry and that bums me out. This one’s about trust; it says:
I think it’s strange when people are inherently untrusting of others. Your mom said you shouldn’t trust me. Which is funny ‘cause I put my trust in most everyone but have grown to trust you less and less. I can’t remember the last time I came to be suspicious of so many of the things someone said to me. I don’t think you’re a bad person; I don’t think you have ill intent. But you’re so guarded, it makes you dishonest. It sucks.
The relationship with the girl detailed in these four drawings ended in August but I’m sad to report that my distrust didn’t. I carried it forward with me into my next relationship. In the past, if the girl I was dating wanted to go out to do something I wasn’t interested in, my response was simply “have fun – see you when you get home.” I don’t wanna be solely responsible for anyone’s social life anyway and I value time to myself. So when she goes out without me, we both win. In my last relationship though…
(Actually, let me just take a moment to cut the shit. I left Chicago a week ago but this relationship that I “walked away from” is ongoing; it’s not over).
So in my current relationship, I’ve responded differently. When Nicole wants to go out, I get suspicious. I’m afraid there’s something going on. That she’s going to be flirting with someone or worse. Has she done things that have sparked jealousy or suspicion? Sure. But she hasn’t ever actually done anything to warrant distrust. Which means that my jealousy and suspicion aren’t really justified. And that sucks. I don’t want to be some “jealous boyfriend.” That’s never been me in the past and it’s not who I wanna be now.
This isn’t the kind of distrust or the kind of lies to which this drawing refers but that shit doesn’t feel relevant anymore so I’d rather write about what is. It’s all the same anyway insofar as not being able to believe the things someone says to you is awful. And like I said, I’m so accustomed to just trusting everyone, having faith in people, and assuming the best that my newfound distrust is especially disconcerting. It’s negatively impacted my entire outlook.
I don’t really know what’s going to happen with Nicole and I, but I am going back to Chicago on Thursday. If we try to give it another go, I’m going to ignore my negative impulses and just put my trust in her. I’m going to have to have faith in her. If it doesn’t work out though – for whatever reason – I think maybe my next relationship ought to be with someone where trust comes more naturally. That is, assuming I’m not totally broken and that I’m still capable of real, genuine trust. At this point, the problem may not have anything to do with anyone but me. I genuinely don’t know one way or the other.
When Nicole and I first started seeing each other, I recycled this drawing’s title to caption a photo that I posted on Instagram.
The caption read: “Sexy adventures in creepy abandoned waterfront factories. (BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO KIDS THAT FUCK). My life is awesome.”
Here’s to hoping my legal problems and relationship issues are soon resolved and that statement becomes true again.