If you follow my personal Facebook page, this might not be the most interesting update. For anyone that doesn’t: I’M FIFTY-ONE DAYS CLEAN. That’s a pretty big deal. It’s been two years since I could say that.
So far as other shit that’s going on:
1) I left Jacksonville. There was nothing good for me there. I was never gonna get clean in that city.
2) Wallis and I are split (at least for the time being). But so far as I know, SHE’S FIFTY-ONE DAYS CLEAN TOO.
3) I started making art again. I waited this long because I was never an artist before I got clean. I never made art while I was getting high. I didn’t wanna start making art while I was still at risk of using again. So I waited ‘til I had what I felt was a significant amount of time and I was in a place where I felt like I had a safety net – a place where, as soon as something went wrong, I wasn’t going to fall right back into shooting heroin. I feel like I have that now. And I feel like it’s been proven by Wallis and I splitting, the recent death of an old friend, and all of the everyday basic shit that ordinary humans deal with but that sends me spiraling into hopelessness on a regular basis. Also, I was scared. Scared to make art again. ‘Cause it’s been awhile. And my life is different now. And I don’t know if I can ever go back to doing things the way that I used to.
BUT (with that being said) I don’t exactly know what the fuck else to do so here’s my plan… I’ve got a huge mess to clean up. I’ve got a lot of “rebuilding” to do. I’ve lost pretty much everything. No phone, no car, no license, no home (of my own), no girlfriend (sorta), no prospects, no income, no not shit. (And yes, that’s an intentional nonsensical double-negative). And I still got legal issues hanging over my head that I need to clear up.
So all I really know how to do is paint. And write. (And listen to punk rock and smoke cigarettes, but those last two probably aren’t gonna be super integral to the rebuilding of my life). And it’s possible that those first two won’t either. After all, before I went to rehab and got my stretch of clean time, I was running Traffic Street Records and had just graduated from law school. By the time I got out of rehab, neither of those were relevant to my life anymore. Maybe art isn’t either at this point. But I literally got nothin’ else. Shit – I even left all my physical possession behind in Jacksonville. (I lost damn near everything).
So I’m gonna paint. And post bullshit on the internet. And just try to keep stacking up days without putting a needle into my arm. I’m super lucky to have people that support me and take care of me. Feed me and give me a place to sleep and paint.
That’s what I got right now. It’s not the most solid plan anyone’s ever formulated but – like I said – I don’t know anything else.
Wish me luck. Or send me messages about how I’m a junkie piece of shit who should just kill himself already. (I know how much some of you just love that).
Here’s a picture that someone sent me recently. It’s from the first day I ever used heroin. That was 15 years ago.