I was still inpatient when I made this. It was the product of the my first episode after “No Accident.” A full month had passed since then, which was longer than I could remember having gone without an emotional breakdown of one kind or another but I was still pretty disappointed with myself. If December 12th (the day I made “No Accident”) was my “emotional sobriety date,” this was most definitely my emotional relapse. I picked right back up with the kind of negative self-talk that had ruled my brain for most of my life. The body of the text reads:
I thought I found a place where I belonged. I wasn’t wrong. At the time. But time has passed and I don’t fit in here anymore. I can’t stall. I can’t adapt. I have to move on. Ready or not.
I’m already dead.
I don’t measure up. It’s who I am. It’s not sad. It just is. Nothing lasts forever and we can’t all be
astronauts.
I’m not exactly sure what I meant with that last word. I’m sure it was an allusion to something I had heard (or something that had happened) recently. The rest of the text in the piece appears in bits and pieces, scattered throughout.
- Outsider art.
- THIS MIGHT BE BULLSHIT.
- It’s time for me to go home. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
- Please break my hands and kick my fucking teeth in.
- [I’m] tired of me taking up space and time.
- Fuck my stupid fucking life.
- No amount of any anything from me could ever be enough.
—–
Tonight was the opening reception for my first art show. My emotional reaction to it was very much in tune with the painting I’m working on right now, so I’ll probably work it into that and share more about it once the painting is done.
In a few words though, the response tonight was such that it could very easily be interpreted as having implications that are either wildly positive and encouraging or terribly crushing and depressing. I’m working to get to a place of strictly gratitude though (and I’m almost there). To the people that did come out, I can’t thank you enough. Not just for showing up, but for really showing up. It means a lot to me. It’s keeping me going.
I wouldn’t take the slow turnout personally. Dang you’ve only been here a few months. and already have your first solo show! i don’t know if I told you last night but I used to work at a museum and part of my job was setting up the exhibits, curating shows and all the tedious work and minutia (tables, copies, framing, name plates,, is the font big enough, how will the venue let me hang the work, what order to put them in and the never ending problem of no advertising budget). You may not realize it but you accomplished more than you may think just by figuring all this stuff out by yourself and still manage to create more art for the show while doing it. That alone is a full time job at most museums so you’ve really accomplished more than you realize….remember I’ve been vending since 1996 or so believe me when i tell you this…it’s not baseless flattery. You really did accomplish something last night….you broke your “first solo show cherry”. LOL
Thanks, Lisa. : )