So far, so good but – for what it’s worth – I’m still feeling pretty “relapsy.”
On the one hand, I’ve been dealing with some pretty fucked up shit lately. On the other, I don’t *feel* especially sad or desperate or anything like that… So – while I’d *like to say* that – none of it’s really getting to me, it’s kind of hard to buy into that when (in the same breath) I’m also acknowledging this impulse that keeps firing off in my brain.
I’m not about to go out of my way to get heroin but I’m back in that place (mentally) where – should I run into the wrong person/situation – I’d probably make one of my less intelligent decisions.
Which is pretty dumb considering how well everything’s been going! I mean – shit – I’m virtually a POSTER CHILD for “turning it around” and building a new life (after heroin).
And yet – here I am – in my head, debating whether or not it’d be okay to shoot up again. (It’s kind of embarrassing). Then again, I’ll bet everyone (that’s kinda like me) has thoughts like these sometimes. They probably just don’t share them on THE INTERNET. ‘Cause – you know – EMBARRASSING. I’m supposed to be more stable (at least so far as drugs are concerned) at this point.
*Although*, maybe the fact that I’m writing this right now instead of [um] GOING OUT AND GETTING HIGH is proof that I *am* pretty stable.
So… um… you know… just putting that out there.
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Here’s a picture I took this week. The painting I’ve been working on and a friend I’ve been kicking around with.
I worked on my current painting, “Adventures Per Minute,” which you can see a small part of on my Instagram.
I took my newest finished painting (“Corporations are Cool”) to my photographer’s studio so that I can start making prints of it. That’ll probably be the next one I add online, unless I get around to writing about the previous piece (“Nothing’s Good Enough Because I’m Not”) first.
I got new prints made, including the first run for “The Future Scares the Sit Out of Me.”
My original pieces are solely exhibited at Ettra in this area but I set up an exhibit of twenty-five of my prints at VapeTrends, where a friend works.
I built a portfolio featuring some press, other materials, and a couple dozen of my prints, along with the stories for each one, so that I’ll have a nice book to walk into galleries with when I’m soliciting new exhibits and showings.
Aside from the merit of my actual work, there’s a reason why I’ve been doing so well. I accomplish this much every single day. I feel overwhelmed by how much I still have to do but I won’t let it get to me. I’m gonna keep at it and I’ll be okay so long as I pause and remember to breathe every so often. I’ll do more before I go to bed tonight and I’ll do more tomorrow and every day after that. It’s what I need to do to be happy and to feel okay about who I am. And it’s working.
I haven’t had the time or the internet access to update my blog much in the last four weeks. For the sake of posterity and the benefit of anyone not clever enough to follow me on Facebook, here’s what I’ve been up to in the last month.
On March 29th, Mike and I went to buy some art supplies and I couldn’t help myself when I saw some ninja turtles masks for sale by the register.
On March 31st, I wrote: “As I go to bed on the last night in March, it is with the satisfaction that comes with having met my income goal for the month. And my income goal for next month. And the NEXT month. Things are going well. Here’s to keeping it moving, carrying it forward in April (which I already have fully blocked out in three cities). I love making art. I love that I’m able to support myself doing it. I’m really, truly happy. I am fulfilled.”
On April 2nd, I participated in Jacksonville’s monthly Downtown Artwalk. It was – at that time – the single most profitable evening of my career as an artist. I made more money in one night than I had made in an average month in 2013. As I put it at the time: “Fuckin’ slaughtered at Artwalk tonight. We’re talkin’ Friday/Saturday night STRIPPER MONEY. I love you, Jacksonville.”
Later that week, I hit the road for the premiere of “No Real Than You Are” at the Sarasota Film Festival. On the same day as the premiere, I got to play director for Rational Anthem’s music video, “Darnit.” Or as I told my friends, “I’m playing HOLLYWOOD all day!” I posted a photo on Facebook with the caption: “Directing a music video today; got the sunglasses to prove it.”
Getting to see myself LOOKING COOL on a seventy foot screen, in front of a sold out auditorium was pretty alright and though I didn’t have time to stick around and finish the music video shoot the next day, it turned out pretty excellent even without my BRILLIANT hand at the wheel.
On my way out of town, I had a thought: “We give meaning to each other’s lives. We give meaning to all the little things of our everyday. It all means more ’cause we make it mean more.” I was thinking about a lot of spectacular people in my life, but mostly Chris Hembrough. And the new Banner Pilot record.
The reason I left town in such a rush is that I had been invited to sell prints of my artwork outside of Burrito Gallery during One Spark. I set a goal for myself: to make more money over that weekend than I had ever previously made in an entire month. And I succeeded. On the last night, I wrote: “To celebrate my earning four months income in FOUR DAYS. I am taking the night off to shower and then watch The Simpsons while I eat pizza and then sew up all the holes in my clothes.” A few hours later, I added that: “All truly great works of art can be divided into two categories: those that are pop punk songs and those that are Simpsons episodes. I’m exaggerating a little but not at all kidding.”
Before One Spark came to a close, I saw that the new split from Apocalypse Meow and Todd Congelliere (of Toys That Kill) had gone up for sale online. The artwork features my painting, “Poetry By Girls I’ve Brutally Fucked.” In the midst of everything else going on, being reminded that I had been lucky enough to contribute to such a cool project was really fulfilling. Icing on the cake. I posted a link on my Facebook with the caption: “We do cool shit every god damn day.” I’m lucky to have a lot of really talented, creative friends. And I fit right in with them these days. It puts a smile on my face.
On One Spark Saturday, I met Zack, in whom I immediately recognized serious talent and I promptly offered him a job as my thirteen year old business manager. Not only could he close a sale but he reeled in the cute girls like there was no tomorrow. Here he is posing with a print of “Modern Art is Stupid (Everything Is).” I paid him in plastic chrome sunglasses, Mello Yellow Root Beer cocktails, and COLD HARD CASH (that I can only hope he doesn’t blow on bullshit like plastic chrome sunglasses and Mello Yellow Root Beer cocktails).
About a month ago, I recorded an interview for an internet radio show. Last week, I finally noticed that it had gone online. You can listen to it here: V For Vitality with Sammy thrashLife.
Facebook post from April 15th: “Sittin’ outside the art store, waiting for it to open so I can spend $200 on markers. For COLORIN’. I am a professional child.” One of the first projects I’m going to use my markers on is re-coloring “Still Sick (The Illest).” Seein’ as I didn’t know any better at the time, I used cheap markers that fade with time and the piece has lost some of its color since I made it.
On April 15th, I dismantled my exhibit at Burrito Gallery so that I could move all my original pieces over to The Silver Cow for my last Jacksonville art show. I did, however, replace the original pieces with a display of prints. Since I’ve now left, Burrito Gallery is the only place you can go in Jacksonville to buy my prints.
April 16th marked the opening day of my last exhibit in Jacksonville, as well as the publication of an article about me in Folio Weekly. There were a few emotional hiccups that morning and I wrote:
“Today is not going exactly as perfectly well as I wanted it to and EVERYONE NEEDS TO FEEL REALLY BAD FOR ME. I am such a fucking crybaby. When I inventory my problems, I can’t even phrase them in such a way that the OVERWHELMING POSITIVES aren’t totally obvious. And yet I’m still feeling crippled by despair and just wanna give up on everything. BUT I’m not giving up; I’m still doing everything I need / am supposed to do. It’s just a little bit harder today.”
I’m really happy with the article though. You can read it on Folio’s website or in the image below. They also gave me the biggest photo in the table of contents.
My last show in Jacksonville went really well and I can’t think of a better way to have concluded my time there. Late last night, I got into Delray Beach, where I’ll be posting up for at least a week. I’ll know more about my time here within a day or so. Until then, here are some photos from the weekend.
Marleigh and I, outside Rain Dogs…
…for Spring Fest. 4/19/14.
My friend Jimmy, guarding my painting at George Deacon’s photography studio. 4/20/14.
Jimmy posing in Sun-Ray Cinema’s very own BLACK LODGE.
Also, here’s the video of my “performance” on March 22nd (that I mentioned in relation to my painting, “The Future Scares the Sit Out of Me“).
It kinda figures that in a week when I’ve experienced some of my best emotional highs, I’d also have my first episode/freakout in months. And then have another. And another. The phrase that keeps coming to mind is MENTAL ILLNESS HOT STREAK. I’m painting some funny faces about it though and everything’s cool for now.
I don’t ever reach out to anyone when I’m going through something tough but I’m lucky enough to have friends that are consistently wonderful enough to me that it doesn’t matter. Friends that are aware of and friends that are completely oblivious to what I’m going through both hit me up and help balance me out, whether they realize they’re doing it or not. I’m very lucky.
If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you may have already seen a photograph with a half-finished new painting of mine in the background. In either case, I finished it on Tuesday night and I’ll be posting a photo sometime after I get back to Jacksonville.
I’m in Sarasota right now for the premiere of No Real Than You Are. I’m not gonna be doing a pop-up show down here after all, but if you wanna get some prints off me while I’m in the area, hit me up tomorrow or Monday. I gotta get back to Jacksonville by Wednesday ’cause I’m doing OneSpark after all. (Not as a creator, I’ll just be set up at Burrito Gallery with a table of prints outside and some original paintings hanging on the wall inside).
And hopefully, by then, I’ll have this newest painting finished too!
Here’s a screenshot of one of two shirts (both of which are adaptations of existing art of mine) that I designed for Rational Anthem’s next tour.
The author of this article is looking for quotes from people who have been inspired or helped in some way by my art. I have a ton of emails but I don’t want to share those without permission so if anyone wants to give a quote for this thing, send it to janetevelynharper@gmail.com
