I’m dictating this post to Siri because I’m driving more hours than I can count today, so forgive any typos or anything that doesn’t make any sense.
Life is erratic and unpredictable.
Or maybe I’m just erratic and unpredictable.
Either way things are in flux but I’m doing okay. I don’t feel like I’m crumbling and, driving right now on this particular four hour stretch, I can’t help but just laugh and be totally in love with punk rock.
First it was “Heterosexual Lion” by Vacation, then it was “Barren” by The Credentials.
Does it get any better than this?
I wonder how many hours it’ll be until I’m contemplating suicide again…
I’m still outta town. Mechanical problems are slowing me down. Not sure when I’ll have them resolved. I still plan on hitting the other coast of Florida before heading back to Jacksonville but I don’t yet know when that will be. I had wanted to get to St Louis this weekend as well (to see The Transgressions reunion set at Stay Retarded). Doesn’t look like that’s within the realm of possibility anymore. Had told Ben I’d plug that set on here… not sure that this counts. Sorry, buddy. I know I’m a little late…
Before I left Jacksonville I was THISCLOSE to being done with my latest (and largest to date) painting. I’m kind of bummed that I’ve now been away from it for so long. I really wish it had been completed before I got on the road.
In the meantime, I’ve been working on other pieces. I finished one that was started more than a month ago. Another that began on the 4th. I even made some progress on a third that I had lost track of in November. Those will all go online soon enough (I really hate posting from the road on my phone and without the ability to get decent photographs or scans).
In the meantime, here’s a new one that I started on the 19th, while sitting out by the bay, late at night. I finished it just now, which seems sort of appropriate. It’s hard to explain (or maybe I just don’t want to). The feelings I’m feeling, the circumstances of that night and this one. I’m kind of dancing around my own insecurity. I think I got honest when I was scribbling but it’s hard to know sometimes. This whole week has been a strange experience and it’s only looking to get stranger in the coming days. There have been plenty of solid healthy (non-manic) emotional highs, absolutely no bottom-of-the-barrel-“time to kill myself” lows; there’s been good judgment, questionable judgment, self-improvement, honest reflection, self-delusion, avoidance; basically, I got the whole fucking gamut covered.
I wrote some shit “in between the lines” of my drawing. It touches on some of the above but it was pretty stream-of-consciousness and it’s way more representative of the moment tonight than it is of my trip as a whole (up to this point). It says…
Watch me fly. If you wanted to see me but didn’t, it’s your fault. Word has it that I’ve become a pretty great guy but might be completely sociopathic. I’m so full of hurt and evil. I try to do the right things. With mixed results.
I hurt a lot so I hurt a lot. It’s ’cause I hurt a lot. I hurt a lot. I hurt a lot.
I’m so melodramatic. I’m fucking fine (I think). Why do I wanna be this tragic fucking figure? Celebrity. Icon. Shining shooting fucking star. I’m so in love with myself. I’m so disgusted with myself. I’m ashamed. I’m a shame. I’m a joke. I’m okay. I’m everything I don’t wanna be. I’m living out my dream. I’m losing track of everything. This is how it’s supposed to be.
I’m never satisfied. I’m filled with pride. I’m lost. I might be home. This isn’t home. I might be home. I have no home. I’m cool with that. I’m done with this drawing. I think it’s done with me.
Rational Anthem just finished recording at Black Bear in Gainesville and it sounds great. As much as I wanna talk about different songs, I’ll wait ’til everyone else can actually listen to it. I’m really excited about it though AND I found out the other day that I’m doing the artwork for it, which (of course) makes it even more exciting.
We’re headed for Tampa right now but before I get back to Jacksonville, I’m planning to hit St Pete, Sarasota/Bradenton, and Delray/Boca. Gonna visit a bunch of friends and try to hit a few galleries and other spaces about getting some shows set up for a little later in the year. To that end, I brought a ton of my prints with me, so if you wanna take a look and pick some up or just hang out, hit me up! My (tentative) schedule looks something like…
Wed-Thu: St Pete
Here’s a picture of me because posts with pictures of me always get a lot of attention. (PROBABLY BECAUSE I’M SO HANDSOME, RIGHT??)
Rain. Tent started leaking. Put things under the table for cover.. Moved some paintings inside. Ground was flooded when I got back. A lot of stuff is very likely damaged. Trying to figure out whether the appropriate respond is to kill myself or to just laugh it off.
Right now, all I can really manage is to smoke cigarettes in the rain, listening to The Credentials with a blank expression.
Part of it might be that there’s enough content on here that I don’t feel quite as strong a need to ensure that I’m putting up something new every single day; part of it might be that there’s been nothing this last week that I’ve been dying to share; but the unusually low level of activity on the site this last week definitely doesn’t have anything to do with a creative rut, a lack of output or anything like that.
Here’s what I’ve been up to:
I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I got my hands on a canvas that’s more than twice the size of any other I’ve ever gotten to work with. So far I’ve put 22 hours into it and I’m really happy with how it’s coming along. I’d like to say that it’s mostly done but I still have so much little detail left that [you never know] things could take a dramatically different sort of direction and it might not end up anything like the painting that it is at this moment. And actually – I take back what I said – I’m DEFINITELY dying to share this painting (just not until it’s ready!)
I’ve also been spending a fair amount of time trying to get my artwork into some new galleries, businesses, and other spaces. It’s gone well so far and I’m hoping to pick up even more new locations soon. I’ll share more specific details about that stuff later in the week.
On a different sort of note, I took the first part of my motorcycle training course today and will finish tomorrow. As soon as I can get down to Sarasota (this or next weekend probably) I’ll swap out my little 50cc thrashBike for a 150cc. Which might not seem like anything that has tremendous artistic implications but is really exciting because it’s going to enable me to travel outside of Jacksonville (on my own) and get shows set up in other cities.
On top of all that, there are a couple other developments I’m really excited about but can’t quite talk about yet. Long story short though, things are going really well and only seem to be getting better. I’m thinking I’ll make time to resume with regular art/blog updates tomorrow. In the meantime…
I wouldn’t have even noticed the sky the other night (had Heather not commented on it). Within one second of looking up though, I was reaching in my pocket for my phone. I’m (obviously) not a photographer and I don’t usually take pictures of anything like this but it was just too perfect. Not because it’s beautiful (though it is) but because it reminded me of something else that’s beautiful.
Last month, Rumspringer made a video for their song, “Love Poem to Irrigation.” It’s off their sophomore full-length, Stay Afloat, which came out last year on LP through Dirt Cult Records. (It’s also available on CD or as a digital download).
Though it wasn’t the first record I had lined up for Traffic Street, Rumspringer’s debut EP was the first release in my catalog to see the light of day. It makes me really happy that they’re not only still playing but that they continue to get better.
This photo was taken from right outside my house so those shoes on the power line are (of course) my own. Well – not originally. Back when I still lived at Tranquil Shores, I got ’em from a friend after my own Frankenshoes finally gave out
I’ve got this group show coming up and, last night, the organizers hosted a reception for the artists to meet each other. One girl was in another room most of the night but I did eventually get to know her a little bit when she asked if I’d like to sit down and draw with her. As it turns out, she just tagged along and isn’t actually participating in next week’s show. Although (while I’m not sure if she meant “professionally”) she did tell me that she’s an artist.
She ALSO told me that she has two nannas (who are both very nice), that Madelyn and Mikaylyn are twins (her favorite twin is both of them), and that she likes to make her own soup in her belly. Yeah, right. “How do you do that?” I asked incredulously. “I eat sweets and vegetables and that’s how I make my soup in my belly.” I had to concede. That’s a dynamite soup recipe if I’ve ever heard one.
So Marley’s pretty great and I’m not saying that just ’cause she gave me some of her drawings.
Is it just me or is this way too close-for-comfort to my art (considering it was drawn by someone who won’t be starting pre-kindergarten for another eight months)?
In any case, I DON”T MEAN TO BRAG but I’m pretty sure I’ve got at least a year or two before she catches up to me in terms of technical ability. I mean – she’s good, but not Sam’s-motor-skills-are-fully-developed good.
Here’s the picture I drew for her.
Shit… Looking at these side by side… If I’m being honest, I think the only real difference is that she got bored and moved on to another drawing (and then to dancing, and then to showing me some toys, and then to watching TV) in the time that it took me to draw mine. Focus might be my only edge over Marley… If she gets a Ritalin ‘scrip when she starts school, I’m gonna be shit outta luck.
Oh well. No use in worrying today about what may or may not happen tomorrow.
has borderline personality disorder and a heroin problem. In 2012, he got clean, discovered art, and traveled the country, painting and writing. Three years later, he went back to heroin and quit painting. He's currently hard at work trying to get clean or kill himself (depending on the day).