After a month of fucking every pretty girl who so much as smiled in my direction, and Tinder dates every night of the week, I have once again wound up in a “relationship.” We met three days ago and are already saying we love each other because we’re both out of our minds.
Right now, I’m on my way to face my charges in Illinois and I’ve got her along for the ride. Last night we stayed in Atlanta, where we had our first fight. (I couldn’t cum and she didn’t wanna lick my asshole). I adore her.
#cutestcouple
Before anybody flips out on me too hard, I should note that she’s not really all that drug-addled…
“Bad Things Happen (to Kids That Fuck).” 8/11/14. Ink. 5×7″.
Whether we’re talking VD, getting slashed to pieces by a hockey-masked killer, or EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT, it’s clear that bad things happen to kids that fuck.
I’m pretty pleased with how clever that title and I are but this piece is kind of shitty. Like the others in this series, it’s pretty angry and that bums me out. This one’s about trust; it says:
I think it’s strange when people are inherently untrusting of others. Your mom said you shouldn’t trust me. Which is funny ‘cause I put my trust in most everyone but have grown to trust you less and less. I can’t remember the last time I came to be suspicious of so many of the things someone said to me. I don’t think you’re a bad person; I don’t think you have ill intent. But you’re so guarded, it makes you dishonest. It sucks.
The relationship with the girl detailed in these four drawings ended in August but I’m sad to report that my distrust didn’t. I carried it forward with me into my next relationship. In the past, if the girl I was dating wanted to go out to do something I wasn’t interested in, my response was simply “have fun – see you when you get home.” I don’t wanna be solely responsible for anyone’s social life anyway and I value time to myself. So when she goes out without me, we both win. In my last relationship though…
So in my current relationship, I’ve responded differently. When Nicole wants to go out, I get suspicious. I’m afraid there’s something going on. That she’s going to be flirting with someone or worse. Has she done things that have sparked jealousy or suspicion? Sure. But she hasn’t ever actually done anything to warrant distrust. Which means that my jealousy and suspicion aren’t really justified. And that sucks. I don’t want to be some “jealous boyfriend.” That’s never been me in the past and it’s not who I wanna be now.
This isn’t the kind of distrust or the kind of lies to which this drawing refers but that shit doesn’t feel relevant anymore so I’d rather write about what is. It’s all the same anyway insofar as not being able to believe the things someone says to you is awful. And like I said, I’m so accustomed to just trusting everyone, having faith in people, and assuming the best that my newfound distrust is especially disconcerting. It’s negatively impacted my entire outlook.
I don’t really know what’s going to happen with Nicole and I, but I am going back to Chicago on Thursday. If we try to give it another go, I’m going to ignore my negative impulses and just put my trust in her. I’m going to have to have faith in her. If it doesn’t work out though – for whatever reason – I think maybe my next relationship ought to be with someone where trust comes more naturally. That is, assuming I’m not totally broken and that I’m still capable of real, genuine trust. At this point, the problem may not have anything to do with anyone but me. I genuinely don’t know one way or the other.
When Nicole and I first started seeing each other, I recycled this drawing’s title to caption a photo that I posted on Instagram.
The caption read: “Sexy adventures in creepy abandoned waterfront factories. (BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO KIDS THAT FUCK). My life is awesome.”
Here’s to hoping my legal problems and relationship issues are soon resolved and that statement becomes true again.
I’ve neglected my blog for so long that it’s hard to know where to start. While anyone who follows me on Facebook is pretty up to date with the gruesome details of what’s going on in my life, here’s the gist of it for anyone who’s not up to speed:
I moved in with a girl in Chicago in July. We broke up in August.
A day and a half later, I started seeing another girl in Chicago. That lasted three months, until Thursday, when I finally left.
I love the girl but the relationship was incredibly dysfunctional and it had me more fucked up, twisted around, confused, depressed, anxious, and suicidal than I’ve been since December 2012.
While I’ve neglected writing the statements for my artwork, I’ve still been actively creating new pieces. The lack of updates can be accounted for by (1) not having had the new pieces photographed yet, (2) not having their statements written, and (3) the fact that these new pieces are HUGE and the last two have each taken more than a month to complete.
My charges are still pending and still stressing me out but I’m still (sort of) optimistic that some kind of a resolution can be reached – or at least resigned to accept the punishment that’s being offered as part of the plea deal that’s currently on the table.
As the weather got colder in Chicago, I saw a dramatic decrease in my print sales when I’d go downtown to set up, paint, and sell. Consequently, my income this last month is lower than it’s been since January, which is stressing me out but not killing me.
I desperately needed to get out of Chicago to escape my shitty relationship, so I’m in St. Louis now. On November 22nd, I’ll go to Minneapolis for the Rivethead reunion. On November 24th, I’ll return to Normal/Bloomington, IL for my next court date. From there, I’m not sure what I’ll do but if I have to accept the plea deal, I’ll be put on two years probation and will need to choose a state to serve it out in, since my movement will be restricted and I’ll have to be physically present for monthly check-ups. My art career would warrant that I choose either New York or California but I would probably have to choose Florida for the sake of my mental health, as that’s where I’ve got the most emotional support. In theory, I would be able to apply for travel permits to leave the state for my “job” (for example, to go to Minneapolis for my exhibition in March).
When I left Chicago on Thursday, I left without Chris Spillane. It was six months ago that I petitioned the court to have him picked up by police and put into detox and six months since I picked him up from detox and brought him out on the road with me. He now has six months clean, a job, a place to live, and everything else that could be reasonably expected of relatively well-balanced kid of our ilk. When I return to Illinois for my court date at the end of the month, he’ll have the option to rejoin me but I suspect that he’s gonna keep on in Chicago, building up his new life.
In September, I started seeing a psychiatrist in Chicago. In October, she put me back on antipsychotic and antidepressant medications (in addition to the Adderall that I’ve been on for ten years). The last time I was on antidepressants was as an inpatient at Tranquil Shores in February 2013. The last time I was on antipsychotics was (I think) as an inpatient at the Wellness Resource Center in February 2012, though I almost went back on them in January 2013.
Anxiety and depression destroyed my appetite the last month or so and I’m skinnier than I’ve been in at least twelve years. That’s good because I have body dysmorphic disorder and being this thin makes me feel good about myself. It’s bad ’cause… I don’t know… ’cause people say it’s bad…?
I have no idea how this all comes across as a whole but here’s what I think should be the important point to take away from it all: October was a bad month but – here, in St. Louis – I am safe, and cared for, and feeling eight million times better. I am no longer suicidally depressed and though I am afraid of what will happen once I leave St. Louis in two weeks, I am okay and I am once again grateful.
I’m going to spend the day with my current work-in-progress, possibly do some layout work for a new flier or work on written statements for finished pieces, and – tonight – I’m going to go downtown to see Rational Anthem play with The Copyrights and The Murderburgers.
If you wanna buy some art right now, that’d be pretty great.
Minneapolis has been on my list of cities to hit. Cleveland Bound Death Sentence reuniting to play Extreme Noise’s 20th anniversary seemed like a good excuse to be impulsive, bail on Asheville, and spontaneously trek halfway ‘cross the country.
We overnighted in Lexington and Chicago along the way since CBDS doesn’t play ’til tomorrow afternoon. We’re just pulling out of Chicago and making our way north now. 11 PM is a little later than I’d like to be heading out but we don’t operate on a schedule and it’s hard to walk out of Dave and Mike’s place. I just have too much fun with those kids. They definitely come across as jaded, grumbly, curmudgeonly old men (who are actually five years younger than me) but that’s also definitely part of their charm, since they’re secretly some of the warmest, funniest kids around.
I met Dave in the Baltimore punk scene – mostly around Charm City Art Space – back when we both lived out that way. And he met Spillane when I recruited both of them to come on tour with me and Rational Anthem back in 2009. Neither of them had even been on tour before and this one was TEN WEEKS long. (They’re both fucking warriorsafter surviving that thing).
I met Mike that same year. His band had just recorded their first demo and a friend in Ohio tipped me off, thinking I might be interested in them for Traffic Street. Their first tour included a house show somewhere in Maryland. I went out to meet/see them and brought ’em back to DC for a day or two after. We’ve been friends ever since.
So the plan was to hit the road earlier in the day but we stuck around ’til now, doing mostly nothing, just joking around, having fun. We did go out to Logan Square for a few hours though and I got to finish my latest painting (“Something to Cry About,” which I’ll post later in the month). Anyway, one joke led to another and I wound up giving Dave his first tattoo. It’s on the front of his right thigh, just a couple inches up from the knee. The caption comes from something Mike said this morning in a sleepy haze: “Where do rats go when they die? I don’t mean, like, in a spiritual sense…”
I’m looking forward to coming back to Chicago real soon.
Weston took some pictures of me, drawing under the waterfall at Moore Cove.
The other waterfall we hit today was Sliding Rock, which doubles as a “natural waterslide.” The water was so cold it hurt and I’m grimy as fuck (after laying around at Moore Cove, all wet, to work on that drawing) but it was totally worth it.
I think Chris and I are riding into Asheville tonight for some punk show.
It’s been a while since I’ve updated the site ’cause we’ve been staying out in Hendersonville at some cabin Weston rented and it doesn’t have electricity or wifi and I don’t like to post updates from my phone. Especially the updates with my new art so I’ll hold off on that for now.
Not a lot of news lately and the only set-up Chris and I have really done since we got here was for Studio Stroll in the River Arts District. Here are some photos from the last week though. If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you’ve probably already seen a lot of ’em…
Photo by Kait Donaldson. March 1, 2014 at Rain Dogs in Jacksonville, FL.
This photo was taken on March 1st, a few hours after starting this piece (which I finished yesterday afternoon). If you follow me on Facebook, you may have seen a photo that included the finished piece, up on the wall at last night’s Local Motives Pop-Up art show, but I’ll be posting a “real,” detailed image of the piece (as well as its story) in a regular update soon. I’m really excited to share it with everyone; the way it came together, it’s definitely one of my more recent favorites.
Thanks to Kait / KD Photography for the photo! It almost has me convinced that I might look sort of handsome sometimes! That’s no simple feat.
On another note, everything has really been moving in a forward direction lately – emotionally and artistically, as well as “career-wise.” I’ve absolutely still got my little ups and downs but this is the most love and fulfillment that I’ve ever experienced. And I think I’m doing a lot of good for others. I’m really grateful for everything, especially since I know that I’ve been working hard for it. I’m giving myself entirely to life and I’m getting back all I could have asked for. Thank you.
Tampa was a great success (thanks, Iron Chic!), Sarasota was a lot of fun, and Wednesday night I did my first Downtown (Jacksonville) Artwalk from Burrito Gallery (which also went really well). Here are a couple photos of the table set-up I had for prints and of (most of) the art that I’ve got up on the wall right now.
AND DID I MENTION that, while in Sarasota/Bradenton, I explored new and foreign territory? I had never built anything before and don’t know shit about carpentry but it’s not like I’ve ever known anything about art and I haven’t let that stopped me! So I took some measurements, bought some lumber, and built a platform for my bed and furniture, inside my van. I’m pretty proud of it and now I’ve got extra storage space to keep my larger canvases (and whatever else). And even though (right now) I only have a couple, I really doubt that I’ll be so lucky as to sell all of my pieces at my Burrito Gallery and Chamblin’s exhibits, so this will come in handy in April when it’s time to pack up and leave Florida for my next adventure/exhibition. Here are some photos of the process and the new/improved set-up inside my little mobile studio/home.
